Life.

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 18:40:24 GMT

Okay so I was completely wrong. Fedex was probably the worst experience of my life. It made me so depressed that I stopped talking to everyone and almost quit Unfinished Business because of it. But now I feel relinquished and I feel like I'm coming out of a coma of depression, which is very good. Because I've realized my place in my group of friends. I hold the entire group together and merge everyone in. when I wasn't there I guess things were boring and falling apart. But I actually feel like living again. I have a new born thirst for adventure and new things. I'm very excited for the next few months. School is starting and once again I switched my major. UB is doing better than ever. We have a show in Long Island in a couple weeks, we're playing Syracuse and Albany with Forfeit, and we're getting our EP recorded soon and hopefully getting on Reaper Records. As far as One Last Shot goes right now Chris and I are writing and we're going to record a 3 song demo at Rockmore and see how that gets received and then hopefully start playing more shows. And all this is going on while I'm going back to Dunkin Blownuts. It's funny because I had jobs lined up for both Panera and Target but honestly, who can argue with 8 hours of being completely unmanaged? I sure can't. So things are looking very exciting and I can't wait for fall.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 18:17:55 GMT

Maybe I have the formula.
Maybe my continual patterns of low-self esteem are what hold me back.

Maybe they're my catalyst.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:22:29 GMT

Damn this getting older thing is tough.
I got my job over at Fedex. Awesome. My last two shifts and Dunkin Blownuts are tonight and tomorrow. Apparently I'm in with the right crowd because Jason and RJ and slowly gaining more and more control of the place. So Im gonna have this job all summer and through the school year hopefully. I need to make up my mind with school though. Last semester in my Media Writing course, a guest speaker came in. He was a professional that has a four year degree in EMC. He told us about how he strings together a series of shitty part time jobs and makes about 20 grand a year. That sounds like shit. I don't want to spend all this time in school and make nothing when I get out. That's not what college is for.
I have all these hobbies... I have my bands, I have MMA. I shouldn't go to school for another one. Like people say 'go to school for something you like!!' Well you know what I like? I like having money, being able to afford a jeep, and a decent house, and a pool, and to support my loved ones. You know what I don't like? I don't like being in debt and unable to pay it off. I don't like being stressed out. I don't like being broke. I don't like living in shit. I was raised to ignore the allure of material objects, but they do say you spend your adult-hood undoing your childhood. but anyway, I think I'm going to switch over to business, and if for some reason that doesn't work out I'm just going to move my way up the FedEx ladder.

holy shit!

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 16:10:54 GMT

Fuck hurting your back sucks. I think I'm addicted to working out, I feel like a frying turd when I don't make it to the gym. Tonight at work is gonna suck too. My boss's opinion flipped a 180 on me. Just last week she was telling me how I'm one of her best employees and how she needs me desperately. Well now I find out that she's trying to get Suzy to tell her that I give out a ton of free shit so she can fire me. Thank God I can trust Suzy to lie and say I don't haha. Maybe I went too far when I whipped jelly munchkins out the window at my friend's car... but it's all in good fun. But I could care less because once that position at Fedex opens up my ass is out of Fuckin Blownuts for good.

Why Fedex is gonna kick the shit out of Dunkin Blownuts...

good exercise
working with Jason RJ and Tyler
making 10 bucks a hour
only work six hour shifts... tops.
go in at 3am (sounds shitty but will maximize my social life)
won't have to deal with the general public
can be as pissy and depressed as I want
Can have tattoos and piercings
can go in with a blackeye (MMA training)
don't need to deal with typical corporate bullshit.
Can with work a raging boner.

and I have work in four hours, and I actually want to do something for once so Im gonna get on that niggas.

Wed, 06 May 2009 14:42:48 GMT

Undoing this holding pattern of passiveness I've had my whole life is really reaping it's benefits.

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 02:03:48 GMT

I guess I just want to break free from these invisible constraints. My life is just a constant battle between who I am and who I want to be. Maybe I have OCD? maybe I want too much? Maybe I should just be happy with who I am? I've tried the just let go approach. Fail. I've tried the set my target on it. Fail. Maybe we're all doomed to let our genetics get the best of us.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:23:23 GMT

I've been so stressed out lately.
like between school the band and work I feel like I'm being spread so thin.
And it doesn't really help that there's not enough time or money to keep up.
And it doesn't really help that I still owe guitar center 700 dollars and my bank 100.
It's been such a pain in the ass to keep everything organized and remember everything. And it's so tempting to just let go. I kind of have a bit. My whole life lately has been a blurr. I can't remember anything and my head is always cluttered trying to figure out and balance everything. I wish I was at the point where I didn't have to worry. Like, I have everything I want, but I'm nowhere near done having to always worry about it. like I will be extremely happy when my credit card is paid off and my drumset is completely up to snuff, and school is over. I just can't wait for the semester to be over, period. Then I can start working more and making more money, I'll have a little more free time, and it'll be summer. I just want to get rid of the stressors because I'm always so god damn tense because of it. and it's not easy dealing with a social life either. I've pretty much forgotten about that until school is over. But at least I've got Sam, like being around her just makes all those worries completely melt away. like she means so much to me.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:19:34 GMT

Sorry folks, but I'm about to go all political on your asses.

I hope people know that no matter how much money our government pumps into our economy, it's doomed no matter what. The way it's been set up over the past ten and more years has caused irreversible damage. Like, look at AIG. AIG is the biggest small and large business insurer in the world. So, if you couldn't figure it out, when a small and large business in America goes bankrupt, they look to AIG for help. AIG WENT BANKRUPT. They ran out of money. So what does that tell you about how the small businesses are doing in America. (And as far as this whole AIG bonus fiasco, what people don't know about it is that the size of the bonuses were decided in contracts way before the business went bankrupt, and the CEO of AIG knew good and well how much of a PR fiasco it would be, but in order to reverse the bonuses it would cost a lot more trying to stop the bonuses). Obviously the government can't just let the company go under, that would be a shot in the head for the economy. BUT, at the same time, with the way the economy is set up, it's only a matter of time before the financial institution goes under again. These business looking to AIG for insurance money aren't making enough money. That's why they need help. Why aren't they making money? Because EVERYTHING we buy if made in another country. So the money we pay for these goods, some of it does stay in the country (it goes into the hands of the people up top at walmart and some of it goes to the worker's minimum wage paychecks), but a ton of it goes back to the country that made the good for us. So basically other countries are exporting their products to us, and we're exporting a shit ton of our money to them. This is why so many people try to buy American. It keeps the money in the country. But the fact is we're not doing that. We're not supporting the small business and we're not supporting American made goods. This isn't a new idea either. It's been all over NPR for years. So who's to blame in this? Is it the American consumer for being so selfish that they'd pay a couple bucks less for a shittier chinese made product? No, it's not. Everyone wants to save more money, and it's pretty damn hard when less and less americans have a disposable income each year. There's no one person to blame for the situation (But I could go with the flow and blame president bush, who had tax incentives on imported goods). But what we need to do is put a tax on non-american made goods and then give a tax break on American built goods and help out the small businesses, not the big-ass walmarts. But that's not the most brilliant idea, considering there's this country called China that we owe 1000000000000000000000 dollars that we also support. If we just stop buying their shit, they'll go, Hey! Where's our god damn money. So, we have quite a glass bottle stuck up our asses, and we've all seen 1 guy 1 jar, and we know what happens when you're not careful.

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:24:40 GMT

so that last entry, take it and completely reverse it. I've got a lot to look forward to now. I'm getting better and better at drums, and I join Unfinished Business (www.myspace.com/theunfinishedbusiness). We've got a ton of potential and we've gotten nothing but great feedback. We've got a ton of huge shows coming up that I'm so stoked about. We're planning a two week summer east coast tour out too. It's gonna be fun as fuuuuuuck. I've also met a knew girl that I'm very excited about. She's super cool and cute. Things look so promising and, I don't want to get my hopes up, but I feel like this isn't going to be my typical dead end two week relationship. But we'll see. I'm on spring break right now and I've been pretty active. I can't wait to be done with this semester. All I do is work, go to school, and practice with the band. I don't have much time for anything else. Anyway it's 3:30am. I'm going to bed.

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 03:22:28 GMT

I haven't been this depressed since middle school. I feel like I've fallen apart. I use to have such strong beliefs and I felt so alive, but those have all eroded and now I'm amongst the walking dead. and the weird thing is that I just don't care. I barely have fun with people anymore. It's like I have to drag myself anywhere to do anything, and half the time I'm just sitting there thinking 'this isn't fun, none of these people like me, I just want to go home'. I've literally regressed to my 7th grade self, but even then I enjoyed being with people. And I feel like a part of it is because I'm the type of person who's always staring intently at the stars trying to find a way to reach them, except these arms of mine just can't reach. And while everyone goes on enjoying their place and going about their days, I can't help but try to perfect myself, and usually fail miserably. I mean I could start focusing on the good parts of me, giving my self pats on the back that are filled with novelty, and pretending I'm happy with everything and I like myself, but that's not me. I don't like to pretend I'm happy with everything when I'm not, I can't. So if you're reading this and have been thinking 'oh tony has been so flakey lately' or thinking that I don't like you or I'm using you or whatever, don't. That's not it at all. It's just the fact that there's a lot of fucked up stuff going on in my head that I myself can't deal with half the time.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 07:27:44 GMT

One thing I fucking hate is how I feel like no matter what I do or say people are going to hate every god damn thing that naturally comes out of my mouth. I feel as if I'm always walking on a very thin line and if I don't fabricate the perfect thing to come out of my mouth or the perfect action I'll fall in. So what do I do? Most of the time there are 3 things I tend to do. 1, I just don't walk the line. So if you wonder why I'm being so damn quiet well there's your reason. 2, I just default to the safest way across the line aka really boring and dry conversation, or 3, I just jump off the line and blow everything up aka acting rediculous and goofy. And fact of the matter this isn't true at all. And fact of the matter it sucks having to put on an act and completely hide how you feel or what you want to say out of fear of getting pushed off this thin line. and most of all it sucks holding back from what you truly want out of relationships with people because of this irrational god damn fear when, truth is, I know people are prone to liking me, and that they're not like a bunch of fucking lions that want to eat me alive if I don't make them happy. and another thing, I'm sick of feeling like the one at fault whenever things get awkward or whatever. I'm sure it's my fault a lot of the time, but I always blame myself far more than I should and, well fuck. I don't know.

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:38:31 GMT

so I woke up a couple of days ago to go shower
and I was like woah.. what's this feeling??
It's like... holy fuck! I'm happy!
It ruled!
then I went to work, which killed it.
but it was good while it lasted.
Anyway, I had to take out a guitar center loan and use a ton of it. Why? Because I bought a new drumset. phuck yeah!

very sexy indeed.
At the same time I also got a phone call from my friend Mikey who I hadn't talked to in the longest time. His band, Unfinished Business, kicked out their drummer and needed a new one, also known as me. I went and jammed and now I'm in. The music is fucking sick, it brings he m0$h. We've got our first show in a couple weeks and a few really big ones being planned out. Things are moving really fast and it's hard to keep up. I just desperately need cymbals and stands quick. And my house back so I can actually pracice.
Speaking of which my house is going to be fixed in two weeks. phuck yea! My living room and hall way is getting wood floors, and my bedroom is hopefully getting shag carpeting. Umm.. ADD just kicked in. peace.

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 17:43:03 GMT

I've forgotten in a time
when I felt any fucking affection
for anything or anyone
but my own reflection.

I'm a hollow shell
of my former self, an emotional
abyss of poor mental health.
Feeling empty, numb and alone.
Everyday I lose a piece of my
soul. But take it day by day, they
say, were always by your side. But
how can I trust a fucking word
they say as they're breaking down
my mind.

Find me a reason, not
to crumble inside to abandon this
sedation within which I hide.

-Dirty Money

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 22:14:03 GMT

fuck, I've got a school boy crush again.

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 07:54:39 GMT

I can't wait for the day where I realize I'm never going to be who I want to be so that I can just enjoy myself and not try so hard.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:07:18 GMT

I don't know what the fuck I'm looking for anymore.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 06:51:11 GMT

revising life lessons...

Old truth:
'If you love something, let it go."

new truth:
"If you love something, let it go, and let it find it's way back home.'

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:50:50 GMT

Things I'm not looking forward to:

Christmas break. (fucking work)
Three more months of cold.
Guilloteens breaking up

Things I am looking foreward to:

Christmas break. (everyone being out of school)
Guilloteens last show (Brotherhood Showcase pt. II)
Aarms
Goofy hardcore band with Paul
Moving home, whenever that decides to happen.
showboarding!
Everyone I hate slowly getting fired from DD.
The Faceless and Meshuggah in NYC with Nick Matt and Jason
and

Asians.

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 08:59:13 GMT

For about the past year I've been in a bit of a slump. My social life has quickly gone to shit. I've drifted away from so many friends. I started caring far too much about material objects. It's felt as if I compromised all my beliefs and values. I was never one to get attached to material things because I learned growing up that that is not what makes you happy. Life, and experiences, and adventures, and stories. That's what makes life worth living. I use to burn my candle at both ends just because I wanted to live life to the fullest, but now I've become a lazy pile of shit. And if you're one of my close friends that I've drifted from, I apologize and don't take offense to it. I've just been wallowing in self loathing, and slowly I've been drowning in it. Why? I have not a fucking clue. But I came to realize something lately, and that a lot of that loath is because of all my beliefs I've compromised. From environmentalism, to vegetarianism, to nihilism, to humanism, to so many other ism's... I feel like I've turned my back on things that I once felt were important.. I feel like I need to start living the life that I've always wanted to lead so I can stop drowning myself in loathing.

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:11:19 GMT

Fucked using a crutch, but what if your legs are actually broken?

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:00:09 GMT

so last night my friend let me take one of her xanex. If you know me, you know I'm 100% against any sort of recreational pill usage, as well as mood altering pills. But last night holy shit, all my anxiety was gone, all my irritability, all my indifference, awkwardness, and numbness, was gone. like I felt like how you feel when you're drunk, minus the being retarded and stumbling around thing. like i looked at my reflection and was like 'woah, that guys handsome' and realized it was me. like I liked who i was, i liked the people around me, and I wasn't trying to hard to impress them, and I wasn't worried about letting them down and them hating me. idk maybe my opinions are changing, idk.

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:55:58 GMT

it's ridiculous how quickly my personality goes from
this:

to this:

damn I need to quit consuming stimulants.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:44:34 GMT

This inferiority complex really isn't a bad thing,
I just wish it wouldn't drain my confidence every time I'm around people.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 05:56:40 GMT

Fuck you mainstream pop culture. Words can't express my hatred I have for you for making kids think it's fucking cool to do pills and drugs and 'get fucked up', because, you know what? It's not cool. It's not fucking cool to do completely irreversible damage to your brain and your body, to fuck up all your personal relationships, to be a fucking pill addict/alcoholic/junky/ whatever the fuck your vice is. I've never wanted any of it, and I've stood by my friends too long and just watched them partake in this bullshit, while knowing what they're getting themselves into. It fucking ends here.

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 14:50:14 GMT

my mom's quickly turning into one of those old ladies who grocery shop as a hobby. Soon she'll be filling up carts and leaving them in the aisle. She rambles to me about groceries she buys and I pretend I listen, but truth is I find it to be the most irritating thing ever, and I just do it so she doesn't have a mental breakdown over being lonely. Holy fuck it's depressing.